


A sea captain has needs

by Creationdemon



Category: The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack, Tintin - All Media Types
Genre: Hook-Up, M/M, Sex, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29388288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creationdemon/pseuds/Creationdemon
Summary: Two sea captains from different media having some "alone time." If you know what I mean.           What have I done? Also forgive me for the relationship tag; it never let's me type in captain k'nuckles/Archibald haddock. So flapjack and tintin are not gonna be in here just mentioned.
Relationships: Archibald Haddock & Tintin, Captain K'nuckles (Flapjack)/Original Character(s)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 10 people on Tumblr ask for this so I'm writing a crossover that nobody asked for. Also if some one on YouTube is reading my fanfic please let it be regretful reads.

It's night time here at the harbor and the bar is filled with all of your well known fictional sea captains from all sorts of media. There's blackbeard from one piece, guybrush threepwood from the monkey island game, cap'n crunch the cereal mascot and captain Jack sparrow. Yes all of the sea captains from books, tv shows and movies are all here what appears to be some sort of marine night at friday here at the bar. (So it's kind of like a girls night but instead of girls it's men from the sea.) Every one is having a good time they are all chatting about the adventures they have at the sea, having a arm wrestling contest or just playing a drinking game to see who ever drinks the most beers and the last person who can stand up with out passing out wins. Everybody's having a good time, except for one. Captain k'nuckles is standing alone in the corner of the bench drinking some candy from his flask. Captain k'nuckles was never much respected here on friday nights; he's more of a black sheep of the herd, all the story's told back when he still lived in stomalong harbor were all a big load of crap. Like the time he told everyone how he defeated poseidon the god of the sea himself just to be defeated hand to hand combat in front of the captains, or that time he tried to sail a ship in some sort of race or something and crash it towards the sharp rocks, he was not much of a good driver and he almost killed some cabin boys in training and he of course never drinks some actual alcohol making him feel sick to the stomach, I mean he drinks candy for Pete's sake everyone knows big, strong, manly men drink some booze get liver failure and come home drunk to beat up their wives and not have 20 cups of diabetes in there bloodstream. The wooden amputee blue thing wish he bring along flapjack so he could have a conversation with him but this place has a over 18 sign so he could not take him in now he's out in the cold scavenging for candy in trash cans or some shit, as long as he is not takein in a dark alleyway with some old guy in a trench coat holding a candy cane and have some quote on quote 'adventures' with some stranger then he's fine. (I think....) "Bah! To hell with this godforsaken place!" Captain k'nuckles said getting up. "I'm to good for this place anyway, I'll just find flapjack, go to bubbie and leave for the next port!" He walk towards the door looking back at the 'so called famous captains' as he describes them. He was just about to leave when he saw somebody caught his eye a moment ago. He turned around with a strange pounding heart on his chest. He saw a tall man wearing a black jersey jacket and a blue sweatshirt with a little anchor in the middle,some black pants and a sailors cap. He has black hair and a perfect black beard. Captain k'nuckles was sweating like crazy so crazy that all of his sweat have formed a puddle on the floor. Maybe one of them slipped on the puddle of sweat... and he is gasping and whezzing for air and legs are shaking knees weak, palms are sweaty, mom's spaghetti (lol sorry I could not help myself.) What is this feeling he is having it's not love he knows what that is like. And he knows what that is like it's awful. His mind is filled with uncontrollable urges of all the dirty things he wanted to do with the handsome stranger, he wanted to ether get railed by him or the other way round, he wanted to suck on his magnificent, giant lollipop and suck on it until he came white jelly beans, he wants to get freaky on bed and have some wild, animalistic, kinky se- oooohhhhhh... it took him a minute to finally knows what he's feeling: LUST. He wants to hit on some random guy on a one night action. Well fuck it he never gets some 'alone time' when flapjack is around; he's like a liveing, lovable parasite to him and he could not Jack off ever because he is liveing inside a talking whale and bubbie would start yelling him like crazy and kick him out. You know what fuck it he's gonna do it; he's gonna hit on the sexy man of the sea's, the hairy big bear, the chad. He took out his comb from his coat and brushed his hair. ( Wait he's bald. He has no hair.) Then he raised one eyebrow, put his carved wooden hands on his pockets and walks towards the black bearded man. Captain k'nuckles is sitting farther away at the side of the side of the counter. He then slides in closer. And closer. And closer. And clos- ""Blistering barnacles! What do you want you ostrogoth?!" Oh he's got a sailor mouth that's hot for him he bets he has more swear words in bed. K'nuckles trys to think of some lines. "Oh don't mind me I was just gonna leave this dump until I came across the enchanted siren calling my name, that wasn't you was it?" K'nuckles said eyeing at him proud of his pick up line. The big nose mariner looked at him as if he were an idiot. " What in God's name are you talking about you blue shaped..... thing?" He said. K'nuckles was now trying to come up with another good first impression. "Oh uuuuhhhhh. What I mean is...." he's sweating again. "That sirens... are...they sing to lure in sailors... And they......" To be honest captain k'nuckles has never hit on some one before, he never picks up on ladies and takes them to some love hotel or what ever. He's still trying to find words."....they have wonderful singing voices but I'm saying here is that your body.. eh yourself is enchanting. NO! What I meant to say is-" he then gets cut off by the other sea captain. "Are you trying to hit on me and take me to some love hotel so we could hook up?" The amputee stopped for a moment and trys to think if he would say yes or no. If he said yes will he to have had the same mind and have sex with him? Or would he just be disgusted and tell him off that he's not that sort of guy that picks up on random strangers. "Uh... Well I.....Yes?" Captain k'nuckles said shrugging. "Well then buy me a drink or two so we can get to know each other. Ok?"the black jersey jacket man said. "Oh well sure thing!" K'nuckles said buying him a tall glass of beer. "You not having any?" The man said. "Naw I got this one, they never sell this kind here so I pack one myself." And he took out a whole glass of candy from his red coat/jacket. He just looks at the blue thing thinking to himself ' what the hell? It's all candy? This is gonna be one regretful night.' "So before we start having a toast and later on start banging our brains out I have one question Mr?" "K'nuckles, captain k'nuckles. What's the question?" "Are you tested with stds?" The black bearded man questioned. "What the hell are stds?" "What the hell are these so called 'stds?'" Is he serious? "Sexually transmitted diseases, you have them or not?" "What NO! I never had any of those things honest! Hell I put on a condom on before I lose those legs of mine!" He looked down at the blue big nosed man and looks at the wooden legs. How the hell is he gonna pound that ass? " alright I believe in ya." And so they are gonna make a toast. "Now let's get hammered and practice sword fighting in our own rooms lad!" The hair chested man said winking at the sword fighting part as it is was an innuendo. "Here here! Just good ol' captain k'nuckles and captain eh I haven't got your name." "Archibald. Captain Archibald haddock." They finally make a toast and gulp down there drinks fast as if no big deal. "Another question: what in Davy Jones locker are you?" Captain haddock said.


	2. A sea captain has needs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rushed writing, a sex hotel and me filled with a sudden urge to kill myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for the cringe.

4 hours has past and the two drunken sea captain's are wasted on booze (Except for captain k'nuckles who is wasted on a jar of candy.) And they are jokeing and talking about their misadventures with their young lads besides them. Captain haddock told that one story about the time he set the boat on fire the first time he met tintin all because of one bottle of whiskey he found on the cabinet underneath the boat, captain k'nuckles told that one story about that time he entered the beard off contest so he can be first place to win some candy but his beard turns out to be flapjack and the 'candy' turns out to be some big ugly adopted daughter of peppermint larry; the bartender back at stormalong harbor. This story has nothing to do with captain haddock and his boat but he let it flow and had a little laugh. Captain haddock told one last swing of beer and spoken in drunken stutters. "O-oh k'nuckles h-h-have I told y- you about t-that one time i-i went on over t-t-to bianca's p-place with me l-lad t-tintin a-and I w-w-was so w-w-wasted I w-went back f-from t-the bar and i-i went t-t-to her room a-and took a p-piss i-inside her w-w-wardrobe. Hahaha oh y-you should have heard her h-horrid y-yelling hahaha it-it w-was the most terrifying e-experience in m-m-my life." He said as he went from a joyful expression to a horrid one from thinking about the opera singer shrieking about her dressed all coverd in his own piss. "Who's this bianca lass?" Captain k'nuckles questioned. "Ah s-some fancy opera singing, s-self centered, harpy who even the sirens w-will scare off when they hear her sing. Trust me you do not want to hear her." "Eh. I rather hear her sing then listen to bubbie." "N-now w-whos this bubbie?" It was haddocks turn to question. "As some annoying blue whale that I live inside her mouth all those years. And another thing about her mouth is her giveing me a mouth full of her bitching about this and that, and that one time I was minding my own business takeing a nap having a snooze and then her tounge hits my face and then she starts telling me about on why I didn't take flapjack to the-" as k'nuckles starts ranting about some blue talking whale archibald haddock zoned out for a bit trying to recollect all the insane shit he spat out, its like listening to a homeless drunken hobo who slipped on some crack and cocaine inside his bottle of beer, and then he cuts off his arms and legs to sell them in the deep web for cannibals to pay him with money so he can buy more beer, crack and cocaine. Yep. That's captain k'nuckles in haddocks perspective. 'Am I really banging this thing?' Captain haddock thought to himself. Haddock to hasn't had any action for two months now; tintin was out on a adventure over at canada and take down some evil bad guy who was stealing a golden mousse head created by a artist that's worth thousands. 'Oh to bezzlebub with this! Even if it means fucking some ugly big nosed, blue sausage looking motherfucker then so be it. As what the hip mid teens say in the mid 2010s: YOLO. Or wait was it the early 2010s?' Captain haddock throws some wet beer at his face so he can snap back to his normal speaking tone instead of stutters. He makes the first move." So k'nuckles I have a good time tonight and I was thinking maybe we could go some place more comfortable,just the two of us. Alone. In the dark." Captain haddock said in a deep, husky voice. "Huh?" Said captain k'nuckles. "I want us to go place where nobody can hear us scream in bed."said captain haddock. "Huh?" K'nuckles said yet again. K'nuckles mind is very slow like that one episode where k'nuckles has a flash back and that one dude I forgot his name tries to explain it to him that he's a slow learner. Archibald now a little bit frustrated gives him more clear information. "I want to screw you in some random hotel and bang you on top of the bed and blew your brains out." A silence from him. "Huh?" Haddock is now shouting at him. "OH TEN THOUSEND THUNDERING TYPHOONS! I WANT TO FUCK YOU SENSELESS AND MAKE YOU SCREAMING MY NAME! I WANT TO FILL YOU UP WITH MY HOT WHITE CUM AND WE WILL BE FUCKING ALL NIGHT LIKE A PAIR OF RABBITS IN HEAT! I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO A LOVE HOTEL AND FUCK YOU THERE!" The angry sea captain shouted with all his might that everybody in this entire bar hears and giveing the two the eye. All that shouting and public humiliation finally got the amputee so called captain to what's he's talking about. "Oh well why didn't you say so let's go!" He gots up and went outside quickly. The red faced,black bearded man slowly got up payed the bartender some money from all the booze he drank and pulled down his black cap in shame. They are both outside and they are now looking for a place to fuck. 10 minutes later they are inside a love hotel downtown; inside was a dirty ass bed with cum and blood stains from it, the wallpaper is falling apart and the fuzzy carpet is filled with cockroaches, condom wrappers, used filled condoms that they did not use the bin on the side of the stereo and a needle what appears to be heroin. They are takeing both their clothes off getting ready for some sex. " You got the candy used for your dick?" Captain k'nuckles said. "You mean the condom aye." He pulls out 10 rows of condoms inside his black jersey jacket. "I'm always prepared k'nuckles. Always." K'nuckles snatches the condoms and throws them to the bin. "Well fuck them I wanna feel your white melted chocolate inside of my open gapped donut hole!" K'nuckles said. "You sure you wanted this laddie?" "Yes! I'm sure! Now get over here and let's make out already!" Captain k'nuckles kisses captain haddock and pulls towards him in this dirty ass bed. The kisses are wild and sloppy that there slurping and flickering sounds, passing moans and groans each others mouths, k'nuckles tounge is at the back of haddocks head like a smiley tentacle reaching the back of his throat and it was a painfull experience. Archibald stopped the bad make out for some air. He is gasping and panting. "Oh blistering barnacles that was a air takeing catastrophe!" " You're not enjoying it?" " What? Well....yes but slow things down a bit! I was almost chocking to death because of that krackens remaining tentacle!" "Alright sorry about that. So how do I slow down?" Captain haddock thought for a moment to set the mood right and slow things down. "Well for starters how about we set the mood? Let's see here....." He search for some good sexy songs and spotted one; he puts it in the CD player. The song is playing 'two trucks having sex' the ten hour version. "We play some romantic feel good music to fill in the atmosphere in this room, then I walk on over here towards you and then-" he pulled k'nuckles upstraght, switches so that it's haddock sitting on the bed and k'nuckles on his knees. "- he let's the blue bitch suck his dick." The black bearded sea captain said in a primal, husky voice. He pulled down half his boxers and reveal a big fat 45 inch erect hairy cock, now that is the real man of the sea. The blue big nosed captain is amazed by the size of the mans cock, its like a big black horny stud fully bigger then the other stallions and all the mates want a piece of that huge dick inside of them. Oh yeah he's fucking turned on like a fanfiction writer who has never had sex before and imagines what being horny is like in a unrealistic manner. "FUCK ME! That is one big ass snickers bar!" K'nuckles shouted. "I know it is lad." He said as he crossed his arms, eyes closed with a smerk on his face and filled with pride. This isn't the first time he's being complemented. ( I mean he mostly gets his praises from the ginger twink back at marlinspike.) "Now enough gawking at my long shloong and start sucking my sea cucumber until a white spotted garden eel comes out!" "But wait spotted garden eels don't live in sea-" k'nuckles was cut off by archibalds hand on his head and giveing him the suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and I'm finally out of this badfic. Oh god please let this end.


	3. A sea captain has needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imedeantly want to end this horrible story. So be prepared for really rushed dialog.

Captain k'nuckles was pretending that haddocks cock was a big snickers bar from what he said earlier; he makes sure that the long, big penis was covered in his own saliva. "Oh yeah matety keep on tameing this old sea dog~. Captain haddock moaned. K'nuckles wanted more of him so he prepares his gag reflexes and swallows his dick whole, deep throating him. "OH! Blistering barnacles k'nuckles! Your throat is so tight!" K'nuckles wasn't kidding he didn't want to deep throat he's massive shloong but he would do it for him; he wanted all of him: His broad body, his biceps, his hair, his beard, his voice, his everything so he is sucking with all his might even if that dick completely chokes him and kills him that dick is worth dieing for! Tears are rolling down his face and he fondled the alcoholic sea captains hairy balls, those balls are heavy yet soft on the outside, he could have sworn he felt his semen squirming inside he is hoping he would cum right now, like the rapper cuppcake says in deepthroat: I ain't swallow one kid I think I swallow twins! "K-k'nuckles.... I'm gonna....i-im g-gonna" he grabbed captain k'nuckles head and forces him to swallow all his unborn children. After one big load captain k'nuckles finally gasps do air, some of archibalds cum spilled on the floor. " Heh sorry about lad I made a mess there, i should have given you the heads up." "Oh *cough cough* No need to feel sorry archibald it's great, I'm just glad I get to satisfied you." Captain k'nuckles said coughing up cum. "So you still wanna go far or is this the end of our hook up?" Captain k'nuckles said. "Well. What do you think?" Captain haddock said with a still erect cock. "I think my big 'unicorn' is still going on strong, wanna go to the next level?" Haddock said with a husk voice. "Oh yes daddy haddock!" K'nuckles shouted. "W-what did you call me?" "Daddy. That's how you are supposed to say when two people have sex and spice things up right?" Yes some people like it when the dom make likes to be called 'daddy' k'nuckles however.... is not that attractive to look at AND say the word at all, actually he has no fucking idea why he says yes to the blue man; maybe it's because he was still a bit to drunk to have second thoughts, maybe he wanted to hook up with some other random sea captains but they are not the 'hooking up with random strangers on the bar' type. Or maybe its because of that one thing: he wanted to know what it would be like sticking his dick up a freshly carved, wooden ass. You could stick your dick in anything you could think of if you wanted to as long if it has a hole in it. Yeah it's all three of them. "Well um.. yes it's true that you call people daddy during sex." "Can I call you daddy then for tonight?" Captain k'nuckles said with a lustful look in his eye. "Yeah sure whatever. So are am I gonna put my dick in you or- "OK!" K'nuckles imedeantly zooms on the bed like something out of a cartoon. He has a bottled lube on his hand. "Where in god's name did you find that bottle of lube?" "It's a secret" k'nuckles said. Haddock shrugged "Ok." He then hop on to bed. "Turn around get on all fours." Captain k'nuckles obeyed and gets on all fours. Captain haddock opens the cap and pours lube all over his big cock. " Is it all coverd up daddy?" "Almost." "~Well hurry up daddy haddock~ I'm getting impatient!~" k'nuckles said like some sort of horny anime girl in some kind of hardcore hentai. "Blistering barnacles k'nuckles do be patient just let me put some on your asshole and please..... don't talk like that you are a grown man." Captain haddock said with goose bumps. "Well don't just stand there cover my sitting muscle with lube!" Archibald now covers his fingers with lube and is ready to enter those fingers in his ass. He took off his under wear and stick them in. Captain k'nuckles moaned in pleasure. "Oh~ oh yes that feels good daddy give me more~. Haddock obeyed and puts more fingers in his ass. "Haddock. I'm-im ready to take all that big horse sized dick of yours. D-daddy.~k'nuckles moans softly. "Ok then k'nuckles if you are ready then I to am ready." Captain haddock then removes his boxers and stick his dick inside the amputee sea captain. They began to bone. "AHH~AHH~ AHH~ YES! YES! YES! GIVE ME MORE DADDY HADDOCK! GIVE ME MORE OF THAT BIG HORSE COCK YOU GOT! MAKE ME MOAN LIKE ONE OF THOSE ANIME FEMBOY BITCHES IN THOSE TENTACLE HENATIS AH~ AH~AH~" Haddock wishes he would not hear those words coming out of his mouth he wished he would rather fuck tintin then this thing. He then thought of an idea he imagine fucking tintin and him calling daddy. It's kind of working but....no.....no not at all. Now he wished this thing is over. While they are doing some good old fashion doggy style outside the inns window is cap'n crunch and for some strange fucking reason it's the immortal god himself that even people with different religions can still worship him: it's shrek. They are both jacking off in rythem while lightning   
mcqueen is playing WAP french kissing rusty (I think that's his name.) From the brazilian cars knock off a cars life. Cap'n crunch and shrek both came in those bowls on the ground; cap'n crunch cums milk, his own brand flavor and shrek cums go-gurt the green stuff from the 2000s. (You know what I'm talking about.) They both picked up the bowls and swap them, they both took out there spoons and dig in. Meanwhile captain k'nuckles and captain haddock are almost ready to climax. " Blistering barnacles k'nuckles I'm gonna-in gonna-" before he could speak out he came all over his ass.Captain K'nuckles turns around to look at him."What the fuck that wasn't even 55 minutes! That was 11 minutes!" "Well maybe if your ass didn't give me splinters while I'm fucking your ass, my cock will continue you rough ass, bashi-bazouk!" He shouted. K'nuckles could see the splinters on his dick and thought of a solution." Oh I see if you are worried about getting tiny spears on that nice cock of yours well I have a solution; why don't you let me top you and fuck your ass he removed his underwear and push a button below his wooden crotch. It revealed a poorly made dick that looks like it could give his asshole more splinters and a turning wheel on the right side, k'nuckles turned the wheel and it slowly starts moving up and down. This is the kind that the armish would make as dildos. "So you ready for the captain of the sea's to take you from behind?" Captain k'nuckles said still pumping his dick. Before haddock could say anything his mobile phone is buzzing three times"Oh hold on a minute." He got his phone from his jacket and sees three messages; it was tintin. He go's opens the messages and what did his eyes see? Tintin in a slutty sailors outfit. The top was only covering his chest and not his stomach, it also has no sleeves, he also has a navy blue sailor skirt that shows his ass and white knickers. And white thigh high stockings. The second one shows him on the bathroom mirror poseing like a instergram thot and the last one is him in bed at marlinspike hall makeing a seductive pose. Hold on MARLINSPIKE? Has tintin finally back from Canada?! And another message that says "Oh captain my captain, I shall be waiting for you to take this young cabin boy into your arms!" Oh yeah forgot this he's so glad tintins back and would rather do him then get splinters on his cock. He grabbed his clothes. "Hey! Where are you going!?" "Can't do this any more; me lads back and I got to pound that twink was of his!" Captain haddock said who got his condoms from the trash can. "What?! But I thought we had something special!" "Yeah well it's a bad idea I came out here and hook up with some blue thing in a bar! What was I thinking? Thundering typhoons." Haddock opened the window. "Well can you at least call me so we could hang out more?" Captain haddock turns around slowly, t-poses and quietly whispers:"Fuck no you ugly, big nosed, blue dildo." He then ascended out of the window like he is the reincarnation of jesus christ, the moon light reflecting his skin, beard and cock. Cap'n crunch, shrek, lightning mcqueen and rusty stopped what they where doing and kneel to the descending, t-poseing captain Archibald haddock. He is gone. Captain k'nuckles was now alone in his room, sexually unsatisfied and heartbroken, he sat on the floor. Just then flapjack came out of the window all happy like his naive self; he told captain k'nuckles the wonderful adventure he had about that he killed some old sex offender with nothing but his candy cane and how he killed more pedophiles on twitter with his trusty deadly, sweet weapon. As he ramble on k'nuckles just stares at the wall in front of him and ignoring flapjack as if he does not exist. And to finally end this god awful badfic; k'nuckles grabbed the heroin filled syringe and injecting to himself not giveing a fuck about any thing anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally finish now I can drown myself in bleach. Oh and happy(late) Valentine's day I guess. Now let's not read this hot garbage again.

**Author's Note:**

> I gave up half way though. Cursed sex in the last chapter.


End file.
